47: The Most Important Thing
Hey...? HAHAHA weh aku rasa the last time aku update blog ni, like, 6 ke 7 bulan yang lepas kot? Around Mei or Jun? GAH DAMN. Lama gila. Taktahu kenapa, maybe sebab aku sibuk sikit dengan assignment and stuff, then makin lama makin lupa dekat blog ni walaupun blog nilah tempat yang aku luahkan semua benda dan melepaskan gian aku untuk menaip panjang-panjang. Okay okay, aku janji (ini janji palsu) untuk cuba update dengan lebih selalu. Heh. Nevermind. By the way, aku perasan yang post terakhir aku tu pasal habit yang aku nak buang which was nak kurangkan guna sosial media, kan? Well, here's the update.
I actually managed to be offline from social medias like Instagram and Twitter for straight 2 months. Not that impressing, to be honest, but it was still an accomplishment for me, y'know? Started from around July, kot.... then aku bukak balik around hujung September? Maybe? Or October? Oh no, aku tak ingat doh, tapi around that months lah. Bangga lah jugak sebenarnya. During that time, aku memang produktif gila and banyak rasa positif. Tapi at the same time, ramai jugak yang tak faham apa motif aku buat benda ni and suruh aku online balik. Lama-lama aku give up and bukak je balik. Lemah, kan? Tapi mampus lah, dua bulan tu lama okay. Next time boleh try lama lagi sikit. INSHA ALLAH LAH HAHAHA.
Okay so. Regarding to this topic, "The Most Important Thing". Waseh. Apa benda yang aku maksudkan ni? Nak bercerita ni. Nak pakai Bahasa Inggeris boleh? Boleh saja, sebab takde orang kisah or baca pun. Nice. Alright let's go gais. By the way, ada empat cerita pasal 4 orang paling penting dalam hidup aku sekarang selain family. Aku bahagikan into 4 sections supaya korang tak confused. Baik kan aku? Bye.
There was this one night when all of us were hanging out together at their house. There were Huda, Fattah, Aiman, Oggy, Adudu, Aliff, and me. I don't think Rashid was there because... I just think so. Or maybe he was there but he didn't join in our whole conversations. It was past midnight already and we were talking merrily when suddenly Aiman this question, "Ok cuba bagitahu aku, apa benda yang paling penting bagi korang? Selain family. Sorang-sorang bagitahu!"
Dup dap dup dap. My heartbeat was already increasing rapidly at the time because I was like, "Fuck, soalan apa tu babi?" because for me, those types of questions were personal even it was Aiman who asked. So Aiman asked one by one and I don't really what were remember their answers, honestly. I just remember that Aiman said for him, it was his friends and Fattah's answer was music. Then it was Huda's turn.
She looked so shyly sitting on the floor, trying to blend in. I know she was enjoying her time but Huda was a quiet person. Aiman looked at her and said, "Ha Huda, apa benda paling penting untuk kau?" Huda looked back at him and was like, "Benda paling penting? Selain family tu semua eh?"
Everyone nodded their heads and waited patiently for Huda's answer. She took a moment, looking away as she was quite hesitated (or embarassed) to say out loud her answer. But it only took her a few seconds before she finally said it.
"Hm... Farihah kot."
The moment she said my name was the moment I felt like there was a thunder zapping through my fragile heart. I was sitting lazily (almost baring) beside Aiman but after that I opened up my eyes widely. The reason why I was so surprised because I didn't expect her to answer that. I know that I was important to her but didn't know it was that much. They were "oooh"-ing that but I was pretty speechless and just mumbled some weird shit, feeling embarassed.
But I knew at the moment that I was going to protect her at all cost. I know I have failed a few times, but I'm just gonna keep trying. She had been there for me since the earliest days of my Limkokwing days. She had always tried her best and never failed to give me attention even I was a bitch sometimes. Thank you. <3
This is the story of a different day. With his teary voice whilst looking down at the floor, in the faint darkness, he said the words.
"Terima kasih sebab jumpa aku."
How could I ever forget words like that? I know that we're just friends but from that moment, he was like a brother to me. He even calls me 'adik' from time to time just to remind me how much my presence means to him. A brother that I never had. And no, God please, he's not Aliff. Someone else.
From, a series of stupid laughter, "KoPeHal" and "SuKaTi La",
"I love you so much that I want to know how your day went, what did you eat" and "I love everything about you",
"I have commitments" and "You are my past" and "Not everything is about you",
"You are my best friend. I appreciate you :)".
Yes, those are his words for me. I mean, not that accurate but really close enough. Fattah is also another very, very important part of my life that I would never forget. He taught me a lot of things that I couldn't list down them one by one here, but that's okay. I admit, we had a roller coaster journeys together but then again it just means that what we had together wouldn't easily be experienced again with another. Our days started with our shared passion towards writing poems and rings, as far as I remember. Of course, we still keep in contact to these days but only time will tell what happens in the future. Take care and thank you for everything :)
We first met when we were both still hingusan and bodoh, at the early of adorable thirteen. Many people would never understand our relationship because they thought that we don't fit in with each other. Chazo, you are the crazy, rebellious kid in our batch with red-coloured hair and breaking the rules. Meanwhile, Mario, which is me, was the nice kid who followed the rules and thought that skipping assembly was already cool enough. I guess what actually bonded us together was our taste in music - pop punk and alternative rock. We would share our passion towards Gerard Way and drums and head bangs together until we found the perfect moment to share our emotional problems - all the reasons why we became who we are.
The crazy thing was we always had our conversations at stairs! Hahahaha. Everytime orang nak lalu lalang tulah kita duk mengganggu jalan sampai ramai orang confused and merungut. Fuck y'all!!! Idk, Chazo, we were always there for each other and I don't think I have to say how important you are to me because you know that. You know that by heart. We are mess but at least we have each other's backs. I really hope that this 5 to 6 years of friendship would last for more years and years and years. Lebiu so much hehe gedik la pulak.
"Aku tak mampu hidup tanpa kau."
-Chazo, 12 Januari-
That was all.
Malas nak taip dah. Thanks baca!!!! <33333
46: Telefon & Habit
If I have to be honest, I'm actually pretty tired of smartphones despite the fact that I check it out every minute. Tapi sejujurnya, itulah antara sebab kenapa aku penat dengan telefon ni. Sure, it is addicting to scroll through social medias or to check for non-existent text messages, but there's something in me that is exhausted of doing that. Aku dah takde motivasi sebenarnya nak tengok phone lelama ni and kinda wanna stop, tapi tulah. Habit. Bukannya sesuatu yang boleh dibunuh dalam masa satu minit.
Tadi Chazo ada kasi aku satu video youtube ni, pasal Light Phone or something like that. Jujur aku cakap, aku memang malas nak bercerita pasal video tu. Tapi ada kaitan dengan telefon pintar lah kan. Senang cerita, video tu macam kasi idea sikit dekat aku. Aku macam nak ada satu smartphone yang just ada applications like Alarm Clock, Calculator, Grab, MyCar, Maybank2U, Google Maps, Waze dan lain-lain tapi taknak social medias, y'know? Like, memang aku sentuh phone just to see benda yang memang nak membantu kehidupan sebenar aku. Y'know?
Social medias these days.... memang toxic. Benda yang dah terang lagi bersuluh, takleh nak berdalih dah. Honestly, I feel sick to see these online people that always argue over something so... stupid. I'm sick of feeling left out just because tak banyak likes or tengok orang lain update benda-benda menarik pasal hidup diorang. I just wanna live my life at my own pace. I don't wanna rush anything. I want to be that kind of people yang memang sangat-sangat jarang gunakan telefon. But just like I said, it's not something that can just vanish in a minute. It consumes time and effort.
Lagipun, social media bukannya penuh dengan benda buruk je. Kekadang ada je benda baik; macam nak share information pasal jenayah, atau pasal local events or new restaurants kat sekitar kawasan aku, or boleh tahu benda-benda latest, atau boleh keep up dengan kawan-kawan lama through their photos walaupun dah tak keep in touch sangat. See, bila aku dah list down benda-benda camni, aku rasa rugi pulak nak uninstall social medias. Haih.
Or maybe like this, I can still keep them in my life - but in a very, very controlled condition. Gitu? Kiranya, jangan bukak phone langsung unless:
1- Ada phone calls
2- Ada notifications (WhatsApp only. Twitter, Instagram, and E-mails are not really urgent matters)
Ha. Itu ajelah syarat dia. Kalau nak scroll Twitter and Instagram pulak boleh je but maybe limit it? Maybe just boleh scroll for, like, five times a day? I think that's a progress. If not to you, well, it does feel like a progress to me. How about games, though? Well, aku rasa aku nak buang kot semua games yang ada dalam phone aku. I will try to occupy my time with less digital things. Maybe. Hahah.
So, there it is. My future to-do list.
In fact, I'm going to change some notification alert sounds so lagi senang nak differentiate - whether urgent ke tak.
Wish me luck!
44: 0205 hoursJam terus berdetik
Sehingga aku tak sedar bahawa
Pada satu tika
antara anugerah Tuhan yang manis,
namun memang tak sah kalau tak diimbangkan dengan rasa pahit, masam dan masinnya.
Tuhan dah pernah
beri aku rasa macam mana manisnya dunia ni
namun kini giliran aku untuk duduk di bawah
dan mendongak ke atas
untuk menyaksikan betapa besarnya
dengan jalan yang telah Tuhan sediakan untuk aku
walau sepahit mana pun
silap dan salah aku
sungguh, terbukti aku ini manusia yang kerdil di mata-Nya
tak berkuasa tanpa izin Yang Maha Kuasa
kini sudah tiba masa
untuk aku lihat ke cermin
dan bersihkan kotoran diri
Tuhan masih sayangkan aku.
It’s surprising how one’s mind,
Can be so connected to another as if it was meant to bind,
One of a kind, truly,
A bliss I never expected,
A gift that never presented,
To this foolish self of mine,
Is this the long-awaited sign?
The key factor of a design,
The fraction of time where the stars align,
How little you know,
How you lessen my sorrow,
In every time of yours that I borrow,
I still hope to see you tomorrow
remind yourself that you’re adorable,
and you’re irreplaceable
No, this isn't something that I wrote. This special poem was written for me by him as a birthday gift for this year, 2018.
appreciate it. Thank you, sayang.
Honestly, he's such an amazing writer. I know it by heart that he can publish his own book one day. I don't think so, but I know it. He'll do great. One thing that I really love about him is how he can still be so nice and sweet no matter how many shits that life had been throwing at him, y'know. No matter how fucked up do you think you are, sweetheart, you still have a pure soul and wonderful traits. At least, in my eyes. I love the way you are right now. I just do.
41: There's Someone Inside Your House
So, what do you think of whenever you heard someone saying, "There's someone inside your house"? I would never know the answer as I can't read whatever you're thinking about right now. But maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that someone would be creep out with the term. If you're sitting alone in the dark or when you're home alone, of course, you would never want to hear the term. That's normal.
But on the other day, when I was browsing some books at Border, IOI Putrajaya, I saw this one particular pink book in which entitled, yes, There's Someone Inside Your House. Now, here comes the next part. The first feeling that came to my heart was not scared... but I immediately felt safe and happy. Why? Because for me, the word house is what I use for heart too. For me, a heart is a home. Someone's heart could be your home, y'know?
Therefore, when I saw the title of the book, I was thrilled. I thought, "Hey, that's a good thing. There's someone inside your house. There's someone guarding there, there's someone that you think about. It's good, it's good." But then, I came to my senses and read the synopsis of the book, and realized that it was a rather creepy book about kidnapper. I laughed at my own thoughts. Truly, human mind is such a weird and surprising place. Oh God, I have so much to talk about right now. Ideas are flooding.
Now, remembering this one occasion, I just realized something.
My definition of "There's someone inside your house" is not the same as your "There's someone inside your house". Y' know? Everyone thinks differently.
Relating to that, I realize this too; What scares you might not scare me and what scares me might not scare you. Everyone is, really, really different. Just how many of us would sit down and really think about that particular sentence? We've been hearing that since younger till now, but I'm sure that not many absorbs the definition. Anyway, what did I mean by that sentence? That, what scares you might not scare me thingy? Oh, this, I'm talking about a specifically dark side of me that, I'm sure, no one knows about.
No one, and I mean, no one knows about this, that's why it is a big risk to talk about it here. Thus, I'm not going to talk about it here. Or maybe I could talk, like 1% of it? Hahaha. Just a little hint.
Take a look at my 34th's post.
by the words
Lock me up.
Oh, honey, don't deny your dark sides.
Oops, way too much hints. Oh well, it's just a blog.