Generally, I'd like to think that I am a fairly friendly person. Kiranya, if I ever meet someone new, it is not hard for me to open up topics and talk to them about almost anything. I don't mind sharing my experiences and thoughts with strangers as I want them to do the same as me. It's always been nice to talk with people... I think I am an ambivert but maybe more inclined towards "extrovert". Haha probably. 

But lately... entahlah eh. Sure, I don't mind talking to strangers and friends - it's fun! But recently aku rasa cam dah makin malas nak cakap pasal diri sendiri. I can listen, sure, but I don't feel like sharing my thoughts anymore. Why ya? I am not sure either. And I find myself really hard to trust people again (this excluded my close, close friends & family, of course). Bila aku nak kenal orang baru tu... rasa cam, How would I know that I can trust this person? What if they tell everyone they know about my personal thoughts? What if they think I'm stupid? What would I do if they turn out to be either toxic or abusive?

Thoughts like that.

But it's not like I can do anything about it. I just have to keep on trying and opening up to people, I guess. Not gonna lie, though, it's really hard. It really is. I just treasure the close peeps that I know now. They are precious. Thank you for everything, and especially for staying even after knowing me lmao. I just want to stay inside my cave right now and sleep for years. Impossible but eh. A dream is still a dream, kan? Hahaha. 

....

...I don't wanna live anymore.

XO,

Farihah.

I am currently sitting alone in my office, writing this shit down. Oh ya, forgot to tell you ya, non-existent readers, that I have already started my internship since 4 weeks ago. Yeahhh, so at first I got placement already at Fiberail, Kuala Lumpur, but then looking at the distance and allowance, I hesitated. Then, I tried to look for some more and got la some responses, but then I finally accepted the one right now which is Smart Data Solutions at Cyberjaya. Very close with some okay allowance. Ehe.

By the way, why am I here eh? As in, blogger.

Oh, ya, I wanted to write down my feelings. Honestly, I am not sure what I have been feeling lately. Like, I noticed that I'm being more distant and distant from my own feelings and that kinda makes me feel... lost. And lately, Cyberjaya is blessed with so, so heavy rain to the point I feel low. I dunno, I have always thought that rain is a huge blessing - but I can't deny the fact that it makes me feel sad and slightly depressed, too. I don't know what else can I do with these overwhelming & unsettling emotions, so I go to the place where I feel really safe - this blog. 

Honestly, I think this has been one of my longest blogs ever. Kiranya aku update dekat blog ni lah - I don't abandon it like the other blogs. Not sure why ahahaha but it is what it is. Recently, aku tak tahu la nak cerita macam mana. But aku rasa macam... soul aku... tengah wandering around. Ya know? Like my soul is strolling here and there, having its own adventures at places that I have never been. So aku rasa macam slightly empty inside. It's either that... or aku banyak sangat buat dosa kot sampai rasa kosong macam ni. LMAO. Probably. Aku harap aku boleh bertaubat betul-betul satu hari nanti. Semoga sempat.

Okay, lepas dah tulis panjang-panjang baru rasa tenang sikit.

Sikit jelah.

Sebab masih hujan ahahaha. But it's okay. My heart doesn't feel as heavy as before. That's all je kot. Thank you for reading and your kind attention. Truly appreciate it :)

XO,

Farihah.

Salam. Ya tahu, memang aku dah lama tak update. My life is busy being a professional procrastinator, so yaaaa, you know the drill. Malam ni minda aku penuh dengan catatan lama yang mengganggu jiwa, dan tadi terasa cam nak update semua benda dekat IG Story: Close Friends and already did that pun, tapi tetiba aku rasa macam privasi aku dicabuli pulak (walaupun aku yang pilih nak kongsi), so aku delete semua benda nak decide nak taip kat sini.

Tapi papehal, aku nak meroyan pasal satu benda dulu-

AKU MENYESAL TAK BUAT KERJA GRAPHIC DESIGN AWAL-AWAL, SUMPAH.

SEBAB AKU TAK INGAT APA-APA.

Ya Allah, Farihah.

Don't worry, I always look in the mirror and ask, "Why are you like this?" to myself consistently. At this point, it's almost like a ritual already.

Sincerely,
Farihah.

It was exactly 3.25 in the morning, I was doing nothing in particular other than listening to songs and figuring out whether I was "feeling" it to do assignments or not... then suddenly one of my closed friends excitedly wanted to give my a list of wedding songs because I was asking for recommendations at my Instagram story.

Then as I am excitedly waiting for the list, right now, suddenly it hits me that little things like that that make me feel grateful being alive. I don't know, it's pretty weird. Little things such as knowing that a friend cares enough to make a list for me - it's a nice and warm feeling. Or whenever I say, "Wait for me" and then to find out that they are actually waiting for me. Or whenever I wail for help then a close friend or sibling complain about it as their minds are trying to find solutions of my problem. Or whenever I am doing nothing then someone pops out a text saying "Let's go out" out of nowhere - as a sign that they thought of me before doing so. Or when someone makes a pack of Whatsapp sticker for me just because they know I love using stickers. Or when someone buys me lots of cute socks just because I tweeted about it once. Or when someone draws a picture of me - either portrait or cartoon version just because they feel like it. Or when someone is willing to teman me to mamak at 11pm or 2am, it doesn't matter to them. 

Life is not great.

But these are the things that make it worthwhile - even for a second.

Thank you :)

XO,

Farihah.

Hello, I don't know why but I am suddenly filled with sudden rush and inspiration out of nowhere. Super weird. Anyways, just wanna write these thoughts down and then continue with my major project (hopefully). Okay so like, I know that we are not supposed to expose our dreams or talk about our goals with someone else until we accomplish them or something like that, but I trust you guys so there's that. I wanna talk about my dreams!

As you may or may not know, I have always loved old western movies. Not that old, but maybe around 70s - 80s settings. I don't know why but there is always part of me that has this longing for them. It's not like that I feel like I was born "in the wrong generation" or cringy shit like that... it's just that, I don't know. I love them. I never want to live in the 80s because it is horrible but I have always loved watching it, ya know? And what is the common thing that they usual have in the 80s movie? Yes, diner!!

My dream is to open my own 24-HOUR DINER in Malaysia someday! Do you guys think it's cringy? I don't know.... but I have always wanted my own cafe or something and diner doesn't sound too bad. The squared tiles, the milkshakes, the soft cushion-sofa, the bar, everything lah. Like, we can serve breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, and super late supper punya makanan but semua all day, maybe. Masih dalam pemantauan lol. Waktu breakfast mesti ada waffles, though. Cuma aku masih taktahu nak buat makanan Western ke, Malaysia ke, gabung dua-dua.

Then guess what that I'm excited about the most? The songs, of course! I really want to play different genre of songs at different times. Like, for now, aku fikir waktu petang memang waktu indie lah. And waktu supper memang antara favourite aku Cigarettes After Sex. Maybe ada genre lain gak but depends on the customers. If tak ramai orang, lagu slow. If ramai, lagu rancak. I gotta hire my own professional playlist makers ahahaha which are my friends je sebenarnya. 

So... yeah. There's that. Doakan impian aku tercapai, guys. This shit needs a lot of determination, courage, and thinking. I'm not that smart to be honest but with the right people around me, insha Allah lah. I will try my best. Aight, thank you for those who have been paying attention til now hihi.

XO, Farihah.

You know, I think that everyone has their own coping mechanism in getting their shit together, right? Like, life is so difficult and challenging to the point that we gotta have our own ways to accept the reality. And this includes me. What would be my way to cope with things that make my heart ache? 

Well, whenever something bad or something really bad happens, I just think automatically to myself - "In a parallel universe." Do you get it? It's alright, I will try my best to explain more. As en example, suddenly I lost my RM100 without me realizing where did I spend it - or maybe it got stolen? I would immediately think that in a parallel universe, I knew and even put the RM100 in a good way. But that's not a really good example. Okay here's another one... when someone that I really love suddenly pushes me away and throws me in the gutter. I would think that in a another world, we were embracing each other tightly. And I truly believe that. I really, really do. 

You guys tahu kan pasal the parallel universe theory - like, we humans don't really know ada berapa banyak universe out there. This could be the only one, or maybe there's three, or even hundreds. We never know! Tuhan je yang tahu. So yeah, this is the way that I use to cope with the harsh world. 

I don't know. 

Yes, I understand, maybe some of you that read this and think that truthfully, I am just escaping the reality. I've been running away to the world that I want. Tapi sebenarnya kan, aku takdelah rasa macam aku lari. Aku terima realiti ni, aku tahu benda tu, cuma aku letak sedikit harapan yang versi aku di dunia lain - sedang rasa gembira. She's actually happy. In a way, that makes me feel relief. Even not here, even it's in another world, at least there's part of me that knows happiness in a way that I don't.

So yeah. There's that. Sorry for the weird post. 

Thank you for those who actually spent their time reading this, though.

I really appreciate it :)

XO,

Farihah.