So anyways. Let’s talk about random things. I think I said it before and I will say it again – I have always thought of hearts as “home”. Really, for me, anyone’s heart is anyone’s home. Do you understand me? Whenever I am talking with someone and look into their eyes, I sometimes think of something like this, “Maybe her home is empty.” So that basically means I think she currently has no one in her thoughts. Something like that. I know it may sound creepy, but it is what it is.

The other day, I was just lying in my bed and thought, “Why do I feel like… most houses are so empty right now?” And the thought stopped there.

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As you may or may not know, I am currently trying to move on from someone. It is such a cliché and boring story, I know!! I hate myself for being a cliché too. I don’t know, I thought I’ve been trying my best and I think a lot of progress has been made already… Banyak benda dah yang aku tak buat untuk/dengan dia… but maybe to some my progress is almost nothing. I don’t blame anyone, honestly… I understand, my close friends must have been really tired of listening his name over and over again. If I were them, I would despise me, too.

It’s not like I don’t want to move on, of course I do. The current mental state of mine is so freaking tiring to the point some days I can’t move at all – I can’t even tidy up my room. Tapi jangan risau, baru semalam aku jumpa sikit semangat untuk kemas bilik aku. Entahlah. Mungkin aku ni pemalas, tapi kekadang aku rasa macam aku takboleh nak bergerak atau function. My brain just drop dead. Tell me, what can I do about that? I try, yes I try, when people don’t look at me. But life hates me to the core, when I’m trying, people don’t really see it. But whenever I fail shit, somehow the spotlight suddenly is on me. Sigh. I am tired.

So yeah, I am tired. I am trying. And at the end of the day, we can never compare one mental capacity to another. One might understand depression, one might not. One might understand and digest the fact that life is harsh, one might not. One might take 10 days to be functional to society, one might take 3 months.

I don’t know.

I just need support.

I am sorry if I have become a burden. Regardless, I am still grateful for everyone’s words for me so far. They are very helpful, really. Thank you.

One good friend of mine just said to me a sentence that rocked me to my core. He said, “I hate the you whenever you are with him.” It just reflects on how bad his influence is towards me. I need some time, but I know I can do this. It is a tiring battle. It is. Well, the last time I had to move on, I took 4 years. What can you say?

XO,

Farihah.